A bit homesick

I’ve had the weekend to process this first week of ministry. A lot has happened, a ton of new information thrown my way, and I’m so grateful for it all. Yet, there’s still this nagging in my heart for my people back in the states. Do I feel like I abandoned them? Do they still care about me? How can their lives move on without me there with them? These have been the thoughts going into the weekend. I’ve been thinking a lot about home. Being homesick.

Usually, I would suppress these feeling and try to be present with the squad but God has used this Sabbath to speak into my discontentment here in Cambodia and my desire to be home in a comfortable bed, without having to drag along two other people with me wherever I go. 

As a missionary I strive to speak life into people, producing hope and love through the Holy Spirit. And while I’m attempting to do so, my own spirit is dwelling in a whole different place. I’ve mastered the art of being physically present while mentally being somewhere else, somewhere sweet, more peaceful. I will be walking the streets of Cambodia when there’s a distinct, rather odd smell. Immediately, I will wish I was somewhere else with clean air and soft, green grass.

With much conversation and contemplation, I’ve summed up my first two months of missonal work as an attempt to abandon the things once comfortable to me. I’m still holding on to the old life I was so comfortable with at home. My mind reaches for distant memories of safe places for me to visit whenever unfamiliarity strikes. With this in mind, I have started to focus on ways of being present while still loving the people and memories that are in the states.

I’ve found it’s healthy to think about people back home, to pray for their well-being. It’s actually a huge blessing to have loved ones that I get to care about and I’m beyond grateful for every one of you. Being able to look forward to internet so I can connect with y’all is sweet. Like the icing on the cake. Because it’s not the cake, the cake is getting to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Walking the streets of Siem Reap and pouring into these people that desire freedom.

For the sake of being present, I will be calling Cambodia home sweet home. Not because I don’t have a home in NY, but because God is in my heart and soul preparing a home for me everywhere I step foot. I can celebrate family successes and achievements from afar even though I want to run up and hug every one of them for what they have accomplished. Tell them I’m rooting for them. That I so deeply love them.  

I love Cambodia because it’s challenged me to grow in areas I never wanted to touch, like patience and budgeting finances. I love Cambodia because of the loving, hard working, devoted people here. And I love Cambodia because it holds new my home, new family, new loved ones.